i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so let's talk penis.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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