Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
A bitchslap is in order.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
