She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
two words...techno handjob
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
