You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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