You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
