smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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