I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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