i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
