sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
