Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
