The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
