I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
