I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
