I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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