FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
