Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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