Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize