Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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