mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
