New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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