Ambien. No doubt about it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
