He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
