She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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