What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
