Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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