just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You're a waste of cheezeits
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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