You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
