Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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