saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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