She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
