I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Two words: blizzard sex
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
