is your mom at the bar?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
