Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
