You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
