Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
