Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
