Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize