I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
