I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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