haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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