connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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