Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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