I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
