our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
