Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The feeling are messing with the penis
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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