So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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