I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
