nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize