Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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