Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
