He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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