Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
