fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
