the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
