I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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