he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
