Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize