I'm really into asian looking animals
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
