she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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