you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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