Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
