we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
