I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
