my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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