I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
