i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
