I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
