omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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