have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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