How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
