I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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