So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
