I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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